Friday, October 28, 2011

Newton and the Coconut Tree...


My seven year old cousin hates his school as much as Salman Khan hates Vivek Oberoi. Every morning searching his school accessories is like a treasure hunt for his mom. These days he even started faking health problems! May be inspired by those politicians who are trying hard to avoid the jail. When asked about his antics to avoid school, his answer was very clear- "I don't want to become an engineer, like you." I was transfixed  by his answer, and secretly admired his decision making skills! By the time I understood why I am going to school, I was knocking the college door. Struggling to understand where all those physics and math formulas fits in real life. Theories and laws of Edison's and Einstein's appeared like a 'Da Vinci' code. I still remember that direct current shock I experienced after coming out of the exam hall, when I realized that I have written  Kirchhoff's voltage law instead of current law! While reading Newton's laws, I used to think, has Newton sat under the coconut tree millions of students would have saved from those painful laws. Lover affair with math continued till the concepts like double-integration and Fourier-series surfaced as  Khap Panchayats! Chemistry lab was the most horrible place on the planet after Nazi's concentration camp. To make the things worst, my Chemistry madam was an alter-ego of Hitler. Her name was Anjelina(but she wasn't beautiful). She was very passionate about Chemistry, If asked about how to prepare a tea, she would have explained like,

   Take an empty beaker of capacity 250ml.
   Pour 150ml of H2O
   Put beaker on the flame.
   Add two table spoon of powder made up of enzymatically oxidized leaves of Camellia sinensis (Scientific name of tea plant)
   Heat the solution at 70oC for few minutes.
   Add a cup of complex fluid made up of H2O, lactose, fat, protein, minerals etc. In simple terms- Milk.
   Add one/two table spoon of  C12H22O11 (Sucrose) or Sugar.
Incidentally a funny thing happened in the Chemistry lab. I was busy doing the experiment, and I had absolutely no idea why I was doing that experiment and how it is going to affect my career. Few students were present in the lab as most of the students including instructor were left for the lunch. Suddenly, one of  the students whispered a gush of feeling welled from in his heart to that girl in the corner, busy doing her assignment. After all the hard work, his luck turned out to be no better than Rahul Dravid. Reaction of that girl was similar to adding water in the sulphuric acid. No one understood why he choose Chemistry lab to propose a girl. May be Chemistry was his favorite subject! later we came to know that he has been ragged by seniors and asked to do so! Whatever, at least choosing Biology lab would have made some sense! Anyway, when it comes to the matter of choice, our education system is no better...

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Events Which Might Trigger Doomsday!!


Astronomically predicted events which might trigger the Doomsday. With one-in-a-million chance of happening
 
1. TOI starts reporting more serious news than B-grade 
    gossip

2. Advani becomes PM

3. News of Mig-21's safe landing

4. When Digvijay Singh's statements make some sense

5. Chetan Bhagat gets million followers on twitter and 
    starts inspiring people through his editorials, speeches  
    or stories. 

6. Mayawati starts spending money on development.

7. IIPM becomes number one B-school in India

Saturday, September 17, 2011

D/L Method For Performance Appraisal Rating

Here is the result of applying Duckworth Lewis method to arrive performance rating....

EmpID - xxx

No of Projects worked - 1                                              

Duration of the Project:  Jan - June

Working days - 100 (5 days a week, excluding - possible sick leaves, PL, holidays etc)

Estimated man hours  - 8hr * 100 working days = 800 hrs

-----------------------------
After 6months, appraisal feedback form with D/L method applied-
------------------------------

Avg time spent in office - 7hr per day. Time lost - 1hr

Number coffee/tea/smoking break taken - 6 times per day

Number of team mates accompanied for coffee break - 5

Time spent on each break - 15min

Total time wasted in coffee/smoke break - 15min * 6 Breaks = 90 min  (Note- 
  same amount of time i.e. 90min will be deducted from other 5 resources too...)

Extra time spent on lunch break - 30min per day

Time spent on messengers, cricket sites, news sites, etc etc - 30min per  day

Time spent on gossip(or non work related discussions) with other employees - 30min per day

Total time wasted per day - 4hrs

Project completed on time - Yes.... (After 6months i.e. after 800hrs)
 
But, according to D/L method, revised target for project is -
    
       Estimated time - Time wasted = 800 - 400 = 400 hrs

Rating..... 2/5

Note - D/L doesn't consider time spent in meetings, working from home (after office hours..) , working on Saturdays/Holidays etc



Sunday, August 28, 2011

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Ten Ridiculously Fast Growing Companies/Institutes...


      1.     Anna Hazare Tiffin Room

      2.     Rakhi's & Mahajan's Matrimonial Services

      3.     Digvijay Singh Institute of Communication  
              Skills and Public Speaking

       4.     Suresh Kalmadi Event Management Group

       5.     R.P Singh Cricket Acadamy

       6.     Kapil Sibal Law College

        7.     ZAK (Zaheer KHan) Rehabilitation Center

        8.     John Abraham School of Acting

        9.     Poonam Pandey Silk Sarees

       10.   Obama University of International Trade Finance

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Indian Version of Mission 'Geronimo-EKIA'

After USA's audacious operation to eliminate Osama bin laden, Indian media started criticizing the government for not daring enough to do such operation to kill the terrorists (like Dawood...). Reacting to the situation, Indian Nation Congress (INC) called an emergency party meeting on this topic....

Sonia Gandhi - Looks like our media is infatuated by the operation 'Geronimo-EKIA'. They want a similar type of operation to be emulated by us to catch/kill terrorists hiding in Pak.

Manmohan Singh: Silent...

Sonia: I think we need to decide some thing on this quickly. We need to prove our people that we are capable of doing such operations! What say?

Pranab M :  I agree, we need to do something to distract people's focus from corruption. I am fed up with attending Lokpal bill meetings. This is the time.

Singh: Silent....

S.M Krisna: We are the world’s biggest democracy; we should call for all party meeting before making any critical decisions...

Sonia: Ok, Lets have the all party meeting...

----- All Party Meeting
INC spokesperson briefly explains about the agenda of the meeting to all party leaders...

Left/CPI(M) : This is ridiculous, we don't understand why congress blindly follow US policies. We should stay away from such nonsense. 

Mamta : Becoz CPI(M) is opposing we will support you.

A. K. Antony: Our ATS is capable of doing what US navy seals did. We can send a team of 40 commandos.

Lalu: And please take the help of Sony's CID team.

Mayawati:  We will support this operation only if there are at least 5 backward class members in the commando team.

Raj Thakre : at least 3 Marathi Manus...

Singh : Silent...

BJP: Team should contain at least 30 Hindus...and it should visit Ayodhya before the mission.

Amar Singh: Entire operation should be recorded and I should get an authentic CD/DVD.

---- After many comments and discussion----

Sonia: Mr. Singh...what’s your opinion?

Singh: (finally).... I think we should not go for such a high risk operation.

Sonia: Mr. Singh, you have thought about any alternative approach?

Singh: Cricket! Let’s use this game to bring peace!

L K Advani : No way, we can't wait  till another high profile Ind-Pak 'knock-out' encounter in world cup!

Rahul: and chances of India reaching knock-out stage in next world-cup are slim as Sachin may not be playing next world-cup...

Sonia: Cricket is good idea and safe too! But, Sachin is not playing in next world-cup? That’s serious issue..

Singh: We all can convince Sachin not to retire from cricket, at least till another Ind-Pak clash at WC knock-out stage!

Sonia: agreed..after all it’s matter of our national security, sovereignty etc.

After rounds of discussions, all party leaders agreed on Cricket to be used as platform for peace talks with Pak and hope it gets rid of terrorism. And, also decided that all leaders will get free match tickets!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Characteristics of Software Engineers...

  • We believe that any problem in life can be solved by Googling.
  • We use the words ‘while’, ‘If-then’, ‘For’ more than anyone else.
  • For us ‘Windows’ is not an operating system!
  • We judge everything by how fast it delivers the results!!
  • We try to apply ‘logic’ everywhere. Even while talking to wife/girl friend!
  • We believe ‘Back Up’ approach should be used ubiquitously.
  • For us “Pancha mahabhuta”, or "five great elements" (Earth, Water, Air, Fire and Void) are Google, Copy, Paste, Open-source and 0/1.
  • Any product which is not reusable is bad!
  • “Commit” is a scary word for us! We think ten times and go through many reviews before doing it!